end of the PC tale
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you
some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and
nurturing matriarch.”
From the bed, the wolf said softly, “Come closer, child, so that I might see
you.”
Red Riding Hood said, “Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear.”
“Grandma, what a big nose you have – only relatively, of course, and certainly
attractive in its own way.”
“It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear.”
“Grandma, what big teeth you have!”
The wolf said, “I am happy with who I am and what I am,” and leaped2
out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her.
Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf’s apparent tendency
toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal
space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician,
as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw melee3
there and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the
wolf both stopped.
“And just what do you think you’re doing?” asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.
“Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking
for you!” she exclaimed. “Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn
and wolves can’t solve their own problems without a man’s help!”
When she heard Red Riding Hood’s impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the
Wolf’s mouth, took the woodchopper-person’s ax, and cut his head off. After
this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality
of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual
respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever
after.
Politically Correct Bedtime Stories: Modern Tales for Our Life and Times, by James Finn Garner, 1994.
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